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[[Queen of the Raincloud Club]]
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| in my life, i love you more. |
[27 Oct 2007|08:06pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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the beatles |
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"you kiss differently in the morning than you do at night."
um, by the way, the second i finished punctuating that quote, the author of it called.
i'm not exaggerating when i say that this is exactly how my life works. i have yet to figure out how it makes me feel.
i was really sick at work this morning. thank god i never have to work at the galleria starbucks again, 'cos they HATE me. i kept leaving halfway through making a drink to throw up. this happened at least ten times. ew.
i just made a really good sleep playlist and i'm going to test that out now.
ps - being alice in wonderland for halloween is fun.
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[11 Oct 2007|01:25am] |
we weren't just naked because we laid there undressed
but because as we pressed chest to chest
our thoughts were unfenced
and i was raw, baring it all...
and it wasn't just because of your music therapy
the way you'd sing me to sleep
or how you'd drive with one hand just to hold on to me
like if we crashed, at least we'd be attached eternally
everything adds up, multiplies a thousand times
until i'm left with a sum,
a product of love
of one
and one
and one million things you could do to me without saying sorry
and leave me still thinking
of only one
and one
and one time you tried to leave me
it lasted one day
like we were drawn magnetically
like i am the north pole to your south
and if you ever have doubt
the compass in your pocket will straighten you out
and point you on in the right direction
you might not know where you're headed
but if you hold on, i promise
if anything happens, at least we'll be attached eternally
i'm just scared if you leave
i won't find that same attraction
my polar opposite
so far south, but the only fit
i'll repel everyone while your compass just spins
and though i might bare my skin
no one will ever see me
as naked as you did.
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[20 Aug 2007|08:35pm] |
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i was going through my box of pictures to see if there were any i wanted for my dorm and sitting on the top was one i took of bowser hitting a soccer ball with my field hockey stick. i had completely forgotten it was me, him, and stacy playing that game and sure enough, there she is gettin' the pass from him. 'cos we were idiots and liked the kid and had really funny talks on the soccer bus and ugh. <3.
meh. i'm not sure how i feel about going back to college tomorrow.
but i guess i really need to get away from my mom so this will have to do.
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| maybe it's me who's this unstable. |
[05 Aug 2007|01:56pm] |
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music |
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bright eyes, obvs. |
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i wish there were existentialist detectives, as absurd as that whole concept is.
but really, it's gotten to the point where it's exhausting thinking about how many coincidental things have been happening these days, big and small. and they can't just be happening, right? but they have to just be happening 'cos what the fuck does it matter that i end up where i do or that old songs we just talked about play on the radio or that i start the same sentence at the same time as someone?
maybe it's just proof that there's no such thing as original thought 'cos we're all just stupid replicas of something better and we all pretty much suck. ugh. stuck. i need conversation, but i don't want people. i think i just want to talk. sup lj.
i've been starting to see the story of my life
as less of a novel
and more like a bible
and each verse is written with such meaning
but lately i can't figure out
what to believe in. murr.
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[26 Jun 2007|09:50pm] |
i feel like i lose myself more and more every day. each time i put myself back in 7th grade shoes, my current self gets blurrier and i feel like eventually i'm just going to disappear from the view of this future i decided for myself too early. i'm walking around in this surreal life.
seriously, is all of this really happening?
and how the hell did we all end up here?
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[26 May 2007|01:08am] |
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this is just an entry to say how glad i am that they put 8 minute abs / ass / arms / legs up on youtube. and how happy i am that kutty informed me of this.
i started running again, finally. today, i played soccer with ross, andersons 1 and 2, and joe at creek today. unfortunately, i lost any skill i might have once had and being out of shape only makes it worse... but i'm so excited 'cos i'm doing a women's league with some fdr grads : ) anyhoo.. i'm waking up early tomorrow to say farewell to kovac. i can't believe she's not going to be in new paltz anymore! :( after that, i'm leavin' with the fam for maryland for kat's brunch / art show. i'm being dropped off in the city on the way home to see this guy i kind of have a crush on... his name's conor oberst, idk if you'd know him. so YEAH. and i'm ridin' back with my megaluv kuttyyyy and [AFTER MUCH WITHDRAWAL] playing with her, panda, and jackiee bird!
i'm so excited. i get to see ALL OF MY SIBLINGS [minus mike], BRIGHT EYESSSS, andddd ZOO ANIMALS!!!! all in one weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh and the cherry on top: DESIREE WILL BE HOME WHEN I GET BACK!
love love love.
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[22 May 2007|02:56pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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i've been robbed before and i'm smarter than i look
so there's been a lock around my heart ever since
and although you're a master with a pick
the keyhole is awkwardly shaped like you as a kid
and while you search inside me
and we find pleasure along the way
our efforts are in vain
you twist away
we bend and we break
everything we use
in our struggle to make it fit...
but i must say
it's easier to look you in the eyes
and finalize our goodbyes
knowing you're no longer the perfect size
to seize my hands
instead capturing my heart
and claiming it as your prize
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[15 May 2007|10:50pm] |
i write poems in my head at work. they are never as good 'cos i've forgotten half of them once i go to write it down.
this one is from friday or saturday:
i'd send my love across continents
just to have it returned to sender
because your heart can't stand the strain
of sending love across states
and i should have known when we sat across the room
and i still couldn't reach you
instead, i promised myself to you
(like we were saying " i do "
just short of a priest and a ring)
but all fingers point to apathy
as you just nod and (pretend to) agree.
i'd send my love across continents
down through america
send it rolling down highways
now i know we said our goodbyes all the wrong way
'cos i forgot to brand you with my name
and give you a reason to stay...
so while you're away i'll try to contain
all the spare love that's left unwanted
packaged and postmarked
with a four-year-old date
[it's missing an ending...]
and this one is from today:
i've lost my mind and i'm looking
to find it where we left off...
or maybe find the nearest bridge to jump from
'cos i just can't seem to find enough cold water
to splash on my face
and wake me from this nightmare.
edit:
can't forget my haiku!
i cut endless bread
but like to pretend instead
that it is my wrists.
hahahaha. all the suicide is a joke, guys. laugh with me.
on another note... i love allison pretak. pretty much we're attached at the hip.
we fell in love with an artist today. <3333
he caused us to nearly crash the car.
it was worth it.
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[18 Apr 2007|11:43am] |
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j'ai rêvé en français hier nuit. encore.
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| There is a numbness in your heart and it's growing. |
[11 Jan 2007|11:15pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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The Shins - A Comet Appears |
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In such a short period of time - when people are supposed to forget everything and just be happy everyone's home and together - I still manage to fuck up relationships.
I have a fucking Midas touch of Destructiveness.
I hate not knowing where I will be in a week. I don't even know if I'll be a college student at all!
And of course the only good friendship I've managed to maintain is with the first person to leave.
"/
Tomorrow was s'posed to be the day I get to sleep in. I have to get up and go to a doctor in New Paltz and take a test from last semester. Awesome.
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| No one else will have me like you do. No one else will have me. Only you. |
[03 Jan 2007|03:48am] |
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So. Winter break. Not too shabby so far, I believe.
Good people, good music, good visits, good highs, good food, good drunks, good laughs.
The word good is starting to look very strange.
But yes, it's happy for now. I like having everyone home where they are more easily reached and there to see.
Plus <3333.
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[28 Nov 2006|09:36pm] |
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music |
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Say Anything & loud fucking Xmas music in the common room |
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I HATE IT HERE!
I especially hate being sick with strep throat here where no one gives a fuck.
At least Scott came and brought me soup. <3.
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[31 Oct 2006|09:45pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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music |
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Hold You In My Arms - Ray LaMontagne |
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I cut three and a half minutes off my 2 mile time since pre-season. I didn't puke or asthma attack.
I'm in "good shape" ... so I don't know why none of my pants will button anymore.
I just crapped out on my suite mates tonight. I was gonna take them to Hyde Park to trick-or-treat and everything. I feel so bad.
I just want my prescription pills. I don't know if I can wait until Friday. These migraines might be the death of me.
This is the lamest entry ever. I think I'm going to watch some scary movies.
I really like this song.
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[23 Oct 2006|01:18am] |
Wpoooooooooooooooooo vbeing reatarded on asunday night for the twins birthdaysssssssssssss and convicning kovac to come hang out and come to the bars and yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh david drove me home and his friend who HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsss me was there ad all right, calss tomorrow i thinki m gonna be sick, all right
ALL RIGHT HAWKS
two wins, woo!
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| Um.... FUCK!!! |
[19 Oct 2006|12:28pm] |
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music |
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"Two Zero Two" - Northstar |
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| Course | Grade | Regularly Attending Class | Completing Assignments in a Timely Manner |
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| 41206-02 GEN HONORS ENG 2 | NE | NO | NO | | 59101-01 ELEM ITALIAN 1 | A | YES | YES | | 48240-02 WORLD GEOGRAPHY | C | YES | YES | | 80273-01 PSY OF ADJUSTMENT | NE | | | | 46301-02 FRN COMP & CONVERS 1 | NE | | | | 64185-01 STATS AND PUBLIC POLICY | NE | | | | 46301-01 FRN COMP & CONVERS 1 | F | NO | NO |
That's an F.
An F like in 'Fuck fuck fuck what the fuck did I fucking do?'
I'm going to be in the library all night and going to meet with her tomorrow. YIKES.
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| "The smallest girl on the team took me out!" -Jacquie |
[13 Oct 2006|08:55am] |
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5 o'clock this morning, I was out and on my way to practice in the dark.
There is something truly sadistic about this sport and my coach.
The moon was the only light we had on the field for the first 30 minutes and we could see all the stars and constellations. It was crazy. I felt like I was part of one of those secret societies they show in movies where the new members are brought out at midnight for some sort of group meeting.
Not a bad practice, though. Cortland tomorrow! "Bring it in for a cheer. What should we say?"
"'I'M GLAD I WOKE UP' ON THREE! One, two--"
Okay, time for some last minute studying. TWO mid-terms today. Yiiiiikes. Stats and Italian. We know which one's an automatic A... ; )
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| I'm a mess. If it looks good, you're seeing things I guess. |
[12 Oct 2006|01:38am] |
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music |
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Jets to Brazil |
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Is it weird that therapy makes me feel MORE crazy now? Like, things I never thought anything of now make me think I'm a psycho.
I don't know. Apparently I turn the whole world against me in my mind.
I think I'm gonna go try to pull off the whole smoking in the dorm thing. Woooo!
I probably shouldn't. I need to stay up until 8:30 so I don't miss my Geography class yet again. I don't know how to work out sleeping schedules. I sleep less and less every night. It used to be staying up until 2 or 3. Now it's 5:30 a.m.
Good thing that's the time that I LEAVE FOR PRACTICE on Friday morning.
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| "/ |
[05 Oct 2006|02:55am] |
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Good feeling has disappeared.
Once again alone in the night.
Jazz music in the dark.
"/ "/ "/ "/ "/ "/ "/ "/ "/
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| Tell me all your thoughts on God 'cos I'd really like to meet her. |
[29 Sep 2006|02:26am] |
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I have so much to say and yet feel like saying nothing at all.
I think I've become much more of an introvert than I've ever been in my life.
Maybe it's because a lot of the important people in my life aren't here anymore and have no way of knowing everything that's going on and I'm too lazy to tell. Or maybe it's because I'm finding there are some things I'd rather keep to myself, for fear of destroying their value or something like that.
Obviously, I still never shut up. I just feel like there's a lot more I'm not saying.
It's kinda cool. I like having secrets with myself.
This is one of those crypic journal entries that everyone posts and Scott Connolly makes fun of.
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yr_retro_heart's journal